me, him n God

i had some govt training for the past 10 days..being away from my 'normal' life makes me missed every single detail of my daily routine..i miss my favourite frens, i miss chilling out, i miss the kids i taught..i miss my disastrous life..i miss being unable to distinguish love n lust..i miss affection and attention...n most of all, i miss the person i ve been missing the most..pathetic? i guess so..but once loneliness knocks ur door, its juz so hard not to entertain those feeling..for 2 hours plus, i had a heart to heart talk wif the guy i miss the most..talking bout my life after him..how my life was so lost...i thought i was near to god ( or at least wanting to be there), but how i actually turn to both ways...i know god loves me, but He really challenges my will n courage..n at times He let me fall..but each time i fell, He still lets me walk back on track..i hope He wont let me be off track forever..my courage n will arent as strong as i wanted it to be..each time i pray as hard, i m gona digress as hard as well..odd..i still havent cleanse my heart..purify it..is this really is something dat i have to go thru, or issit me getting myself into trouble..things i used to hate 5 years ago, i come to appreciate it now..it took me 3 hardfalls to make me realize how he was actually taking care of me..oh God, i know u have answers to all of this..but i do notice,questions i post to u, is always answered by clues..at times , i can interpret..but most times, i juz had to pass thru those dark times..i hope i have enuf courage to go thru this, n i hope he would get his life back on track.. funny how God actually test us wif the similar dugaan..n how we failed n strive the same way within this year...God pls, help us both..i juz wanted us to become better ppl..not otherwise..