at lost

i think right now ,the very thing i fear is commitment. i thought i am not. but now, hey i am. hahah. i know this comes as no surprise to many, but it is indeed a revelation for me. perhaps i have come to my senses.

i am picky, i am choosy, i am selective. apart from that, i am indecisive, i am nasty, i am at times self centred when it comes to this.

amoi said yesterday over buka that u rarely get things they way u want it to be, so maybe, this is the calling for my situation right now. huhu.

i feel like spilling the details out, but somehow just as much as i m openminded and transparent, i just couldn't make myself to tell all and share it with u people.

at times i do fear if i might miss this train to 'heaven', when i dont aboard the current train. i take it as there's always next time. there's always more trains heading so many other places. but could it be someday there'll be no train running my course? no trains even functioning at all? when that time comes, everything would just stop and will i just be lost and grieve over things that i've missed?

this entry has so much to do with my 'bad-ass' entry. so much .so so much. at times, i do hope i could just get back to that very minute where it all started, and stop it.

but hey, life goes on. i mean, it has to be. coz i am waiting for the next train. the next right train.

first day of puasa

thinking of u
of how do u do
of how the world has been treating u
and have u missed me too?

hope is well with u baby
4 yours truly has been busy
to and fro in this office lamborghini
roaming schools and IPG

it's my first day puasa today
man i'm hungry i could eat a naga
hope everything with u is A-ok
so selamat berbuka puasa (later..)

i just received an email called 'friendship email'. this is my very first time receiving a 'friendship email'. i mean someone out of nowhere just sent me an email. just to get to know me. god. peliknya. i wonder where did he get my email from.

anyway, that is not the reason of me blogging today. well, i got no specific reasons though. i just wanted to type things out. :D (despite i typed the whole SHAHPEKAN alumni perlembagaan this morning. heh)

okay, frankly people, i have yet to be confirmed in this bloody job i am in. and i've just checked with SPA regarding the delay upon my confirmation. apparently, my stupid bloody admin or service unit didnt attached along my Uni certificate. wtf, after months of nothingness, no letter nor notification, nobody is telling me this? well, i cant blame entirely on my department, maybe SPA should get some spanking from me as well. maybe it was them who misplaced my cert. who knows.

hell, in some ways this just proves that how my government administration suck. due to this late confirmation, i have yet to take the exams, car loans, house loans, pursuing overseas trainings, pursuing masters, and all that comes after it. well, maybe i didnt actually thought of ALL these things, but my chances are between slim to none la if i let them ignoring my confirmation status.

at times, i have to say that regrets do sink in, in this grey matter of mine. i was talkin to dayat, and he mentioned the very same thing. perhaps if i was still in UM and be a lil bit patient over there, by now, i am so done with my masters (on a subject i fancy lak tu). now, i am not even sure if i might get the chance to pursue my masters FOR FREE (that's the whole issue sbenonye), and within my expected age and of course, without taking maths at all. well, everyone has their own future plans dont they. none of mine seems to be happening at this very minute. crap.

so, what else do i think i want to rant about? nothing new. i still hate the piggie in the office. Mr F is still a sucker, my new big boss seems to hate me but just couldnt point out any of my mistakes (weird old woman), the air in this very office is just suffocating. and me, am still in this very same chair since 2005. i havent moved an inch.

but in the meantime, life seems to be so much better. i am more contented. i am now pursuing things i love. (but not without burning holes in my pockets haha). there are a few more things to acquire, and seriously need a wee bit of money. (well, everything has its price innit?).

so in between office and whats-left-of-my-life, i am here to blog away my mind, my rants, my barfing, my glory :D and to think of things i can never obtained. never will be mine. and contemplating either to be sad or indifferent or glad for not having these things. hoping it could be a blessing in disguise, whatever my emotions are.

the conclusion for today is --> my government administration suck!! big time. big bloody time. sheesh.

pretty fair?

i felt compelled writing about this. actually, this uneasiness has started ages ago. but i got so many other things in hand, i shoved this issue aside. but today, well, another day of my brickbatting :D

i wonder why does beauty has to be associated with fairness? why? 

perhaps i am not one of those pretty fair girls, but seriously i AM offended when adverts of all kinds feeding US (the society) with such labelling.

fair = pretty? 

who invented this equation la weh? why must we be fair just to be noticed ? (rujuk kepada iklan fair and lovely and so much more..)

why must we be fair just to get ourselves a modelling job? (rujuk iklan oil of olay sekian lama)

why must we be fair to basically be the prettiest of them all?

and i have mingled with enough guys to sense that most guys fancy fair girls.to them fair seems pretty, despite most are just being fair and nowhere near pretty . like why la? what happen to darker/tanner skin girls? are they not pretty? typically pretty darker-skinned girls are less or none to be seen in adverts. 

hey,even my late great grandma always calls me 'anak koling' (anak keling = indian kid, no offence though to indians. am just recalling my late great grandma) for me being  a dark girl. and my only defense was 'takpelah anak koling pon , janji saya pandai' (that means, whatever la grandma, as long as i am a smart kid..huhu)..hell, i have answers to everything. LOL.

anyway, truth to be told, it's just an ancient belief where fair girls seems to be more desirable. but seriously, how why and where it started, i am bloody clueless.

i think i need to get to the root of all evil ni. sape punye angkara ni ha?

hehe .

no offence to my pretty fair girlfriends. u guys are pretty. i just dont understand why the world needs to make darker girls like me be fair as u guys. i am pretty fine and contented with my skin colour. i believe i have a market of my own. (wow, kerek giler. haha)

ok. here's to world peace :)>-

Zura, you're a hopeless romantic when It Comes to Getting Close

Nothing screams true romance quite like when your love is, shall we say, at its hottest. Right? From just holding hands to stealing kisses, body contact means more to you than all the sappy poems in the world. And you aren't just looking for excitement in love — you want to make your pulse pound outside the bedroom as well. Skydiving? Maybe. Skinny-dipping? You'd try it. Anything goes with you!You're obsessed with extreme moments, but you still like to get sentimental and goofy with your sweetie as much as the next person. You'd just rather live your live — and your love — on the edge. Just don't go too far, and wear a helmet!


---> obsessed with extreme moments? :D you bet!!
---> sentimental and goofy? hell yeah
---> wear a helmet? am contemplating to do so. hehe.
---> guess i am a bloody hopeless romantic, coz i scored the same with so many tests. LOL.

BANDung (T)RIPping

the free bandung trip was totally fully optimized by me and my girlfrens. we practically ripped our pockets and max-ed our credit card like nobody's business. gosh, it was one good/great/splendid/insane shopping trip i've ever been in my life. and that wasn't enough to actually enjoy bandung.








but what is it that is ever enough? nothing right? hence, shop while u still have a job, travel while u still have a valid passport, enjoy while u r still young and take loadsa pictures like there's no tomorrow. LOL.



anyway, this is what we did. we crammed ourselves in 1 bedroom to save budget, but we enjoyed all the good food bandung can offer. most of the time are at cafes and restaurants that we just bump into. and frankly, we had it aaaaalll good. none of our food session suck. splendid nak mati ok. hehe.



my advice is not to stay there long. just have one really short stay. this is to help u cope with the shopping syndrome that u might catch once u get into one factory outlet. and to enable u to bear with your credit card bills by month end :D


so if u guys noticed, i've uploaded some videos on this blog, but actually i have plenty of these amateur-ish video clips. and short ones lak tu. i was actually without a battery charger, hence i dare not to take anything longer. :D but anyways, i promise the next trip to wherever it is, i'll do a better video, alrite girlfrens? ;)


so before i end, i'd like to thank nini, amoi and as for being the greatest companion a girl could have for a SHOPPING trip. syok gile.lagi syok is that u guys all have cameras and i dont. hence i got to be in EVERYONE's camera. yay!!!


to my beloved azni, next time i wont allow u to skip any trip again. apart from wasting money, u gave me much hope since LAST YEAR. mind u, we planned this trip since last year, remember? LOL.

bandong video 1

goodnite faraway star

whitest dot of the darkest night
blackest dot of the cloudless day
you are obvious to my sight
obvious to the grey

since you are so faraway
far from the place i stay
goodnite dear is all i could say
sweetest dreams for you i pray

and if there's any way that i could say
of my wish to see you all day
of my wish upon the faraway star
that you wouldn't be this far..

sebuah poem perasa(a)n ikhlas dari hati . uhuk
selamat berpuasa rakyat jelata.
p/s: wait for my bandung trip updates. am dead excited but slightly lazy ..:P

video trial

eyh, still figuring out how to have my video here. but anyway, u guys still could click here to watch some silly videos of our trip to bandung :D

BAD-ass

this is a confession. i think i need to put a stop to whatever it is i've been dragging along for the past 2 years. i've been mean and bad.

and today, i know. i mean i am sure of it. i need to end it. something felt wrong. whatever it is, it doesn't seem right. anymore. or maybe it was never right . but i just put a blind eye over the matter.

i think this is the time. i finally realized it wasn't all too good after all. or maybe i have found a better one. LOL. (budak ni mmg keji sungguh)

i am just a bad ass girl la. keji sungguh. i don't know where to start cleaning up my acts.

owh god. please help.