today, i think i don't want to be anyone. i just want to be gone. be insignificant. be unknown. be irrelevant. i want to be small. i want to vanish. i thought of being somewhere else. but i don't know where. i want to be un-made. i want to be a molecule. i don't want to be seen. to be heard. i don't feel like talking.
today, i want to envelope myself with total sadness. i want that. i want to feel that. in my blood. in my veins. in the air i breathe. all the sadness in the world. inhaled by me. contained in me. no, i got that wrong. it's not that I WANT, i already am. so let me be. so let me be.
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i want to fail this exam of mine. dont ask why. i have no drive to excel. to succeed. whatever success means these days. so let me be.
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i kept thinking, if i were to die, there's only 2 ways of me dying. either in an accident and die on the spot, or die at the sea. while swimming. pulled by the current. coz i cheated (if there is such thing as cheating) death so many times in accidents and while swimming at the sea. i was not even 1 when i had my first accident.
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life can never be more insignificant than now.
3 comments:
um.
ummm..
i feel the same way too sometimes.
did u watch grey's anatomy? season 4 had a discussion on this feeling of ever willing to take the risks, uncaring whether death shall knock us by.
it's not a homicidal, rather suicidal tendency..
pelik, i thought of the same thing lately-
shahidah : err, woman. i wasn't quite on the suicidal thingy u know. it's just that i've been thinking about death of late. ppl around me ramai meninggal that particular week. so, i was putting myself into the situation.
so, i wasnt trying to kill myself. :D
hihihi.. it's not about killing ourselves la.
cuma rasa cam for a second, terasa careless dengan nyawa sendiri..
masa driving, terasa macam alpa, just a slip of a hand can cost a life..
well, it might have just been me..
terasa penat.
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