this is May 13th

the best decision i ever made in this 26 years and 11 months of my life would be :

first - followed my instinct by pursuing secondary education in some unknown school up north.

the day i got the offer from the govt to pursue education in a school i never knew, in a place that's nowhere near 500km radius of my house, i was not even sure what to do with it. dad asked me what i wanted to do. initially after UPSR, i told papa that i wanted to study in singapore, living with my grandma, because i think their english level of education is better. so i told papa beforehand that i wanted to go to singapore for my secondary education. when this offer came, i was not quite sure about it. and papa said 'ok zura, u go think about it. and tell me what u feel like doing'. once done, on my way to my room, mum was actually eavesdropping. and she asked me at the hallway, 'do u really want to go, zura?' and i said why? and mum with tears in her eyes said ' u wouldn't be close to me. and that school is really far. i am gona miss u'.. and u know what friends, upon seeing tears in my mum's eyes, i immediately tell her that well then, i would go. and off to my dad and said 'Pa, am going.'

seriously, i love to hurt her. i cant bear living with my mum any longer. i was hit by her all the time. i know its love, but back then it was all misery. i had taken enough beating from her, nagging from her, slapping from her. everything. (i'll get back to this later..berkaitan with what happen just now)

2nd - pursuing my maths degree in a university that didn't allow me to do medicine

well, in asasi, i didnt do well. i played the fool all year round. i was in the softball team, handball team, tarik tali team, gerai konvo team, battle of the band team, main2 team. all this co-curricular activities. and i didnt score. and i didnt get to do medics. i wanted to be a doctor. anyway, the day my dad sent me to my new faculty for registration, knowing my frustration of not getting the course i wanted, dad told me that i can quit if i want to. he would make sure that i'll get to do medicine just like i wanted. he wouldn't mind sending me somewhere else. other universities. other countries. and if i still want to be in this uni, he would just encouraged me to do accountancy. a subject that i was good at back in school, but i dont have much love for it. and i said, well just let me pursue maths. we'll see how it goes. coz obviously i was good at this subject since i was a kid. but i always thought that i have the soul/compassion to be a doctor. (perasan nak mati ni!). and dad said, 'ok, i give u 2 weeks. we'll see if u can cope. if u can't , u just tell me, ok?'

and hey, i pursued. i survived. i loved it. i still do. and indeed, it was the best decision ever. coz i decide that on my own. whatever it may be, whatever consequences i would face, i did it. and yes, that's like the only 2 things i ever do with my head up high, and with my dignity at stake. and yes, i succeeded somehow.

and now, i can't decide on anything else but those 2. i can't decide on what car to buy, i can't decide what colour should it be, i can't say no to any family gatherings, i can't say no to any family obligations, i can't choose what watch to wear, i can't choose what date that fits my schedule. and i am the ever adapting, ever conforming, ever accomodating soul in this family of mine. i can't never say no, i can't never say that it doesn't fit my plans or my schedules. thanks mum for not giving me room to do whatever. u never did.

this is not an entry that i wanted to write about today. but just before i reached home just now, mum just has to remind me that my exams dates did not matter. my brothers dates are. if they can't make it, then we should give room to them. if zura can't make it, well u just have to make it. u can do the studying earlier. study this weekend. i guess i am bloody smart, i am a super genius that i dont really need much time for laborious studying. well i dont need to study even i suppose. i am too smart for the exams. i guess so.

and i dont get to decide. as always. ok. whatever. whatever that fits the family. my schedule dont matter. thank you. what else is new after all.