what have i done?

i am upstairs just because i wanted to pee. and to tell azni, that i m watching ONCE on dvd. and somehow i wanted to do more than just that.

saw it once. yesterday. with mummy. with the help of the mirror on my compact powder. i was like 'God, mak busu said it was only a 20sen cut, but hell, it's more like 2 pieces of 50sen cut'. it was long. the gash i mean.

and today, i just had to look it again. in my long mirror. in my shower. and there it was , that long gash, all bruised and darkened by some flaky blood. and i had to cry. i was. and am about to right now. to cry all over again.

i know. i said what good would it bring now? but at exactly now, i felt so fucking hampa. what the hell happened? why must i do this to myself? i felt so fucking sad. i felt like crying my heart out. i am heartbroken. for the things i have done to myself. (am indeed crying my lungs, heart, liver all those bloody organs out right now)

have u ever felt that way? that u felt so hampa, u wonder how much u exactly love yourself? i m grateful to be alive. and it was only a gash on my head. what if i lost more. what if i lost my hands and my legs, and have broken bones, and comatose. and maybe died there? gosh, i am so disappointed with my fucking self. aduih. thank god my parents didn't cry. they were pretty cool apart from the series of ceramah they gave yesterday.

while chatting with azni, ironically 'don't cry' GNR was playing on my itunes. fook. and now, there's this manusia bodoh by ada band plak. pergh, that must be me.

ok. am almost done crying. plus lenguh la bahu nak taip byk2. and plus the ONCE movie is waiting for me downstairs. they can't pause too long. letih.